Disclaimer: This post is not about the musical Rent, but I am listening to it right now. 525,600 minutes from now – I’ll be better. You’ll see.
Well, I did say I was going to do this post so I’m going to do it – As of last Friday, my marriage is officially over. I’d say it was all a waste, but regardless of the pain I feel right now, I really do believe in fate. I believe we’re led (in like, a loose outline kind of way) down a certain road. Despite what detours we take along the way because of our own stupid decisions, we will end up right where we’re supposed to. I’ve learned a lot of things throughout my marriage, mostly that I should trust my instincts 100% of the time. I’m not saying I’m psychic or anything, I’m just saying that I’m an HSP/INFJ who just knows when shit aint right. I’d like to say that I was the perfect wife and did nothing wrong, but I’m not much for lies. I’ll just say that being married TO THE WRONG person is hard. It shouldn’t be that hard, y’all. Should it be work? Should it be something you have to fight for every day? Yes. It most certainly should. But it should not be hard. It should not make you feel like shit and question everything about yourself from your mind to your desires. If you don’t look at the person you’re with and honestly want the best for them, it’s time to go. The hard part is admitting all of that to yourself. Then you end up hanging on to something way too long, but again, maybe it’s all about fate and things shake out right when they’re supposed to and not a moment sooner.
Because I’ve been there, done that and am currently getting the divorce, here is some advice for you newly (or about to get) married folks from someone who royally fucked it all up.
- Date. Live together. Don’t rush into anything. Unless there is a very good extenuating circumstance, don’t get married until you’ve dated (preferably lived together) for at least two years. You don’t really know someone until you’ve cleaned their shit off a toilet and had to pay bills with them.
- Take a personality/love languages/other psychological test together. Some folks believe in these things more than others, but I really think there is something to be said for having a bit of insight into someone’s personality rather than having to peel away layers. At the very least – it will get you talking and/or thinking about each other as individuals and not just your current/potential spouse.
- Don’t expect your partner to make you happy or provide you with everything you need as you move forward in life. This will be especially hard for introverts who can latch onto someone as ‘their person’ and forsake all others. Keep your friends and a social circle outside of your relationship and encourage your partner to do the same.
- Speaking of friends – be smart about the company you keep. Surround yourself with people who respect the institution of marriage and support yours. The good never rubs off on the bad, people. It’s always the other way around.
- And this is the big one. DO NOT LIE TO EACH OTHER. Lies are like a cancer that starts quietly in some background nervous system and before you know it you’re stage four with days to live. Do not lie. About anything. Ever. Do whatever you have to do. Create a time when you can talk about anything. Have 30 minutes on Tuesday nights where you can talk about anything, reaction free. If one of you spent too much on a pair of shoes you can bring it to the other’s attention and know they will not yell. They might be upset and reserve the right to discuss the implications of the action at a later time, but the immediate anger will have dissipated and you can have a productive discussion. I was told there are only two real reasons why people lie to each other. Either they are scared or they don’t give a shit. There is space for neither of those things in a relationship between two people.
They say having someone to grow old with is important. I see my grandparents and I say, having THE RIGHT person to grow old with is important – not just anyone will do. I wish you all the best. I wish you years of happiness and knowing what it’s like to be loved with everything someone has to give. And for those of you who wake up seventeen rounds later beaten and bruised from the fight of your life and now alone, I wish you the peace you seek and the revenge you deserve – even if that revenge is just living the best life you can.
In case you came for Rent and stuck around – here you go. It is a really good song.